makar [ˈmækər]
n (Literature / Poetry) Scot a creative artist, esp a poet
[a Scot variant of maker]

Friday, January 1, 2016

On New Year's Eve, feeling a little reflective and also rather confused about what 2015 was all about (and indeed, where it had gone!), I read my post from last year. It brought back a flood of emotion because 2014 was a really tough year for me, but it also made me realise that this last year, while somewhat uneventful and fast-moving, has been a far easier one. My resolution was to find more balance and to sometimes put my own needs first. I was feeling positive and poised to spend five days writing and reading on my self-orchestrated "writing-retreat". And yet, not long after this, I decided that I couldn't do my PhD and be a fully-present mama, or not yet, anyway. I'm comfortable with that decision and it seems like one I made a long time ago. I have really enjoyed spending time with my youngest this year without worrying about meeting deadlines. I have equally relished the 5 hours a week I have spent writing, while he has been at school. I have already come to rely on it, and I am excited about how I will use the extended child-free time over this coming year. A few people have asked me what I'm going to "do" now that all 3 kids will be at school (although it will only be a 3 day week for the littlest), and the answer is I will write, maybe take an art class, exercise, get stuck into all the things that need doing to the house. I don't feel guilty about this; it is after all only three short days. I need to look after myself for a while. I am worn out and the slightest cold knocks me sideways and takes me weeks to get over. I'm going to set up an office away from home, so that I can write without the distractions of washing and vacuuming and a thousand scattered toys. I'm looking forward to being able to fully concentrate on something - to not just feel this nervous, skittish panic to keep everything moving; everyone safe and fed and clean and where they need to be. I'm going to try to spend more time just doing and less time analyzing what other people think. I don't really know how it will all work out, but 2016, here we go...

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