In that in between time when I'm still asleep but not quite awake, I had this vision of getting off the bus, walking down my street, through the garden gate and into my house. No pram, no children, just me. And it filled me with emptiness and dread and my eyes with tears. This was me coming back from taking the children to school, to a quiet house, and facing the "what next?" that is hovering at the back of my mind.
My 5 year old is snuggling into me on our journey to school. His hair is freshly washed and I am stroking the fluffy golden curls, when it hits me that one day, in the not too distant future, he probably won't let me do this, certainly not in public and eventually perhaps not at all. I am filled with sadness and the desire to hold on to every detail of this precious moment.
My daughter tells me that she doesn't know if she'll have children, but if she does, she's only going to have two and she'll get someone else to look after them because she's going to be a mum who works...and drives. Ouch.