makar [ˈmækər]
n (Literature / Poetry) Scot a creative artist, esp a poet
[a Scot variant of maker]

Thursday, January 1, 2015

On New Year's Eve, we were drinking red wine and chatting with my dad about resolutions. When I said that mine was still a work-in-progress, my dad's response was: "Oh well I'll just read about it on your blog". So daddy-o, here you go...

This year has been a strange one. Nothing hugely dramatic has happened to me - I haven't traveled anywhere or had a baby or done anything much other than keep our little show on the road (I did start my PhD but that was more of an adjustment in my thinking, than a change in the way I live) - and yet, in many ways, it has been a year of turmoil for me. I thought a lot would change in 2014 - I needed it too - and some aspects have changed, just not as dramatically as I might have imagined they would. The biggest alteration has really been in my head - in the way I view the world and myself, and in my understanding of what I need to be happy and fulfilled. There have been some massive lows, as well as some wonderful moments of delight. I have really struggled but I have also found strength and resilience I did not know I possessed. I watched a TED talk a few weeks ago that mentioned the loneliness of motherhood and made me realise that I have actually felt very lonely this year. It's not something that's easy to admit or that you would necessarily associate with a mum of three children, leading a hectic life. I frequently complain about having no time alone and yet lonely is what I feel. I have tried to find ways to stop this feeling of disconnection (studying, trying to forge new friendships, keeping busy with little projects), but it has not always worked.

So, what do I hope for in 2015? What is my resolution? This is going to sound horrible, but I resolve to put myself first a little bit more often. I need to take my writing seriously and to carve out more time for it. I need to lower my standards in some areas of our life, delegate more, and make sacrifices less frequently. I know that it will benefit everyone in the family, if I can find a better balance and reclaim something for myself. Next week, I will spend the entire week writing, while my husband looks after the kids. It doesn't seem real yet. In fact, it feels like a dream come true. I can hardly wait.




2 comments:

  1. I hope your week of writing is going well Kim, and that 2015 is all that you hope it will be. I often feel that loneliness of motherhood, and crave connection and solitude in equal measures. 2015 is the year I start to write my novel. I do wish that there were still the chance of bumping into you on the bus to talk about it!

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    Replies
    1. That's so exciting Alison! It would be so nice to chat with you about writing. By the way, I read your latest post with tears in my eyes - I hope your darling girl is better. What a horrible thing to go through. xxx

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