makar [ˈmækər]
n (Literature / Poetry) Scot a creative artist, esp a poet
[a Scot variant of maker]

Sunday, December 7, 2014

For about 25 minutes last Thursday, I had a scholarship. I was actually going to be paid to research and write, to do the things I love so much. They like my idea; they think what I'm doing is interesting! For once, I was fucking good enough! The money would be great, of course, but I was more interested in the acknowledgement of worth. There are endless reasons not to write, to give up and get on with something more rational, more practical, more likely to make a buck, but here was a sign to keep going. I was so happy (see above), I was reeling.

And then, I was told that they had decided not to offer part-time scholarships anymore and I could only have the award if I was studying full-time. That's impossible for me and so it's gone, just like that. I've tried to convince myself that it really doesn't matter, that it's great I was even offered one, and that one day, if I go full-time, maybe I will get another scholarship, and yet, right now, I feel completely undone by the experience.

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