makar [ˈmækər]
n (Literature / Poetry) Scot a creative artist, esp a poet
[a Scot variant of maker]

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Poor neglected blog, I feel as if I treat you a bit like I did my parents when I first left home: I only bother to get in touch when things are rather shit. In the mood for a whinge? Better write a blog post and let it all spill out! The first week of the holidays has featured nits, rare skin reactions, and a lot of vomiting, so I could really get stuck in if I wanted too. But I don't. It's the crazy season (seriously, everyone does seem a little wired at the moment, don't they?) and I have a hundred things I want to do. And then there's a special birthday to celebrate, one that will mean I've been a mum for 7 years now! I guess I'm just feeling reflective and a little nostalgic, but also excited about what comes next...

Sunday, December 7, 2014

For about 25 minutes last Thursday, I had a scholarship. I was actually going to be paid to research and write, to do the things I love so much. They like my idea; they think what I'm doing is interesting! For once, I was fucking good enough! The money would be great, of course, but I was more interested in the acknowledgement of worth. There are endless reasons not to write, to give up and get on with something more rational, more practical, more likely to make a buck, but here was a sign to keep going. I was so happy (see above), I was reeling.

And then, I was told that they had decided not to offer part-time scholarships anymore and I could only have the award if I was studying full-time. That's impossible for me and so it's gone, just like that. I've tried to convince myself that it really doesn't matter, that it's great I was even offered one, and that one day, if I go full-time, maybe I will get another scholarship, and yet, right now, I feel completely undone by the experience.

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