makar [ˈmækər]
n (Literature / Poetry) Scot a creative artist, esp a poet
[a Scot variant of maker]

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I really, really needed my writing morning today and it didn't happen - a feverish, very pale little girl meant we had to make a hasty retreat from Kindy. It's been a few weeks since I had a morning to myself and this along with the big fat rejection I received in the post yesterday left me in dire need of some time to remember who I am when I'm not being mama. You'd think I'd be used to rejection - I am definitely toughened to it - but it still hits you like a slap in the face. The little ones I can brush off, but the things you've put a lot into, well, those rejections make you rethink everything, if only for an hour or so. I've always been one of those people who is fired up by failure (when I was put in a low set for maths at school, I worked my butt off until I was the girl most likely to get an A*- I settled for an A, but there you go!), and nothing's changed. I have a mental list of people who haven't believed in me and who, one day, I'll prove wrong. Is that healthy? I don't know, but it certainly is motivating. Yesterday, I doubted whether I was on the right path, I wondered if perhaps I've been kidding myself. Should I just put my energy into something else? Get a vocation? Today, despite my lack of writing time, I feel more level-headed. I love books; I love words; I love to write. Even if no one ever publishes my novels, even if I never get to stick two fingers up at all those non-believers, that, in itself, is enough.

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